Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal