I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
He's a Shit stain on my heart
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.