Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick