THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
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His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
And the cops told us we were all naked.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.