I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Actions speak louder than pants.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
No subtext here. People are naked.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
do you think it i'm gay because i was in a 3 way lastnight?
well not if you dont touch the other dude and concentrate on the chic
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
I have a yeast infection.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room