You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Even my vagina gasped.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.