this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
