as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
tonight lets celebrate not being married
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster