we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
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