I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Come share oat with me in your robe
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
