I wish I could teleport
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Randomize
