ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
