NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
It's Friday. Sex?
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Houston, we have a squirter
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I'm fucking your sister right now.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.