You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
what if I'm pregnant?
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.