i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
27 Of The Most NSFW Life Hacks
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
23 Disturbing Small-Town Horror Stories
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
she pinky promised me she was 18
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I'd wear matching sweaters with you
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
You drinking a lot?
Define a lot
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
false alarm. still invincible.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
bring money and cleavage
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers