If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
4 words: hood of his car
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
wat bout pragnant strippers??
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Just fell off a train. Bad.
I just pynch a tree in the face
with your own penis?
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She liked it
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.