You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
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