open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
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I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
I intend to get homeless drunk
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
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I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
i'm home, then i'll come over
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
I puked off the balcony.
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
i want to fuck
it's pretty self explanatory
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I really don't want to move...I'm having a motivation problem.
kev is about to show us pictures of the tranny he accidentally fucked last night.
I'll be there in 10
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
wanna go halves on a baby?
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I just cut my nipple shaving
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
My liver just broke up with me...
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Princesses don't give blow jobs
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.