I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
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