I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.