mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
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I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
You're right, stupid question.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.