Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
sick fucks of a feather flock together
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I cannot find my penis.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.