That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Be still, my beating vagina.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Houston, we have a squirter
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Semen is not good for contacts.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
She's JV to your varsity
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home