This tent reeks of fear and sangria
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
I told him it was alright.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Come see our sink grown plant.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
THAT is your concern right now?
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"