repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.