did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
