At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I'm not really sure actually. until I fell in love with a boy (which was just a few weeks ago) I thought my attraction to men was purely physical.
so you were gay...and then you realized you were EVEN MORE gay
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
This is the high leading the old right now
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut