Texts From Last Night

MisHoneyC's Favorites Texts:

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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...

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  (774): i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"... http://tfl.nu/2wkl
  Replies (485) Good night (173074) Bad night (6901) Order T-Shirt
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  (626): View more from California

  Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?

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  (626): Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester? http://tfl.nu/lq06
  Replies (20) Good night (4312) Bad night (964)
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.

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  (248): He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup. http://tfl.nu/dnmt
  Replies (12) Good night (3091) Bad night (662) Order T-Shirt
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  (912): View more from Georgia

  Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.

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  (912): Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch. http://tfl.nu/z7wv
  Replies (7) Good night (2980) Bad night (560)
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people

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  (402): You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people http://tfl.nu/4rzl
  Replies (8) Good night (1726) Bad night (485) Order T-Shirt
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  (701): View more from North Dakota

  Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.

  (1-701): View more from North Dakota

  Jesus, are you hammered?

  (701): View more from North Dakota

  Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.

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  (701): Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus. (1-701): Jesus, are you hammered? (701): Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws. http://tfl.nu/johl
  Replies (26) Good night (3756) Bad night (634)
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  (848): View more from New Jersey

  You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?

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  (848): You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself? http://tfl.nu/hc7l
  Replies (5) Good night (1537) Bad night (792) Order T-Shirt
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.

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  (603): I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you. http://tfl.nu/zhxc
  Replies (3) Good night (706) Bad night (1271)
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time

  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  you found the shrooms didnt you

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  (484): how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time (215): you found the shrooms didnt you http://tfl.nu/rmts
  Replies (7) Good night (4094) Bad night (517)
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  (518): View more from New York

  I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.

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  (518): I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down. http://tfl.nu/m8at
  Replies (18) Good night (2553) Bad night (771) Order T-Shirt
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  (231): View more from Michigan

  Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.

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  (231): Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger. http://tfl.nu/yx75
  Replies (13) Good night (2303) Bad night (847) Order T-Shirt
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  (563): View more from Iowa

  I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?

  (208): View more from Idaho

  Beautiful, beautiful reality

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  (563): I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality? (208): Beautiful, beautiful reality http://tfl.nu/pfhr
  Replies (3) Good night (1931) Bad night (419)
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  (406): View more from Montana

  sick fucks of a feather flock together

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  (406): sick fucks of a feather flock together http://tfl.nu/mkne
  Replies (9) Good night (1965) Bad night (571) Order T-Shirt
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  (518): View more from New York

  Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.

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  (518): Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke. http://tfl.nu/lmdn
  Replies (8) Good night (1240) Bad night (1170) Order T-Shirt
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?

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  (201): Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight? http://tfl.nu/of56
  Replies (30) Good night (6806) Bad night (632) Order T-Shirt
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.

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  (314): Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them. http://tfl.nu/ibul
  Replies (5) Good night (3291) Bad night (433) Order T-Shirt
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...

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  (608): This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me... http://tfl.nu/38uj
  Replies (10) Good night (3574) Bad night (463)
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  (305): View more from Florida

  It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.

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  (305): It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you. http://tfl.nu/cw12
  Replies (26) Good night (5371) Bad night (806) Order T-Shirt
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  (506): View more from New Brunswick

  When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again

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  (506): When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again http://tfl.nu/dbq2
  Replies (7) Good night (1935) Bad night (586)
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  I'm drinking too much free beer

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.

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  (651): I'm drinking too much free beer (508): Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible. http://tfl.nu/a7hm
  Replies (14) Good night (2291) Bad night (995)
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  (952): View more from Minnesota

  He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.

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  (952): He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan. http://tfl.nu/7ucr
  Replies (17) Good night (764) Bad night (1475) Order T-Shirt
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.

  (1-815): View more from Illinois

  Best Friends For Life.

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  (815): You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub. (1-815): Best Friends For Life. http://tfl.nu/ev62
  Replies (7) Good night (3312) Bad night (502) Order T-Shirt
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..

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  (270): You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it.. http://tfl.nu/hsv3
  Replies (2) Good night (1704) Bad night (457)
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.

  (1-270): View more from Kentucky

  Now it's a party.

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  (270): A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face. (1-270): Now it's a party. http://tfl.nu/6390
  Replies (10) Good night (1134) Bad night (2364) Order T-Shirt
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  (707): View more from California

  They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.

  (705): View more from Ontario

  I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.

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  (707): They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR. (705): I NEED to see if his girl has a sister. http://tfl.nu/ou19
  Replies (9) Good night (2635) Bad night (625)
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  (662): View more from Mississippi

  Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.

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  (662): Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference. http://tfl.nu/teq1
  Replies (7) Good night (2248) Bad night (552) Order T-Shirt
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk

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  (443): Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk http://tfl.nu/uult
  Replies (1) Good night (1104) Bad night (418) Order T-Shirt
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.

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  (770): You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building. http://tfl.nu/mjb6
  Replies (17) Good night (757) Bad night (2110) Order T-Shirt
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.

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  (540): Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures. http://tfl.nu/hix2
  Replies (8) Good night (1806) Bad night (515) Order T-Shirt
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  (925): View more from California

  I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.

  (1-925): View more from California

  We just have a real special relationship.

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  (925): I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar. (1-925): We just have a real special relationship. http://tfl.nu/gnex
  Replies (11) Good night (2417) Bad night (481) Order T-Shirt
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango

  (1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

  IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.

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  (717): Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango (1-717): IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN. http://tfl.nu/b5hl
  Replies (44) Good night (1468) Bad night (5110)
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  (469): View more from Texas

  Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?

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  (469): Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened? http://tfl.nu/ksd8
  Replies (12) Good night (563) Bad night (1744) Order T-Shirt
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.

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  (919): then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building. http://tfl.nu/wz5k
  Replies (6) Good night (1329) Bad night (404) Order T-Shirt
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  why does he always try to puke into shot glasses

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  (303): why does he always try to puke into shot glasses http://tfl.nu/7wx4
  Replies (6) Good night (387) Bad night (1276) Order T-Shirt
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  (563): View more from Iowa

  You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.

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  (563): You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing. http://tfl.nu/fl0p
  Replies (12) Good night (1770) Bad night (482) Order T-Shirt
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great

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  (978): It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great http://tfl.nu/o9gd
  Replies (6) Good night (2189) Bad night (446) Order T-Shirt
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.

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  (313): It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks. http://tfl.nu/13qa
  Replies (15) Good night (1730) Bad night (976)
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  (360): View more from Washington

  I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.

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  (360): I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now. http://tfl.nu/b1mw
  Replies (8) Good night (2685) Bad night (464) Order T-Shirt
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.

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  (715): Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me. http://tfl.nu/2k2c
  Replies (11) Good night (2398) Bad night (690) Order T-Shirt
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  (835): View more from Pennsylvania

  The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving

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  (835): The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving http://tfl.nu/ks9z
  Replies (7) Good night (2187) Bad night (571) Order T-Shirt
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.

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  (774): Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18. http://tfl.nu/z1g3
  Replies (14) Good night (3297) Bad night (565)
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?

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  (740): Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe? http://tfl.nu/3oc2
  Replies (10) Good night (2293) Bad night (736) Order T-Shirt
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills

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  (704): I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills http://tfl.nu/vb73
  Replies (10) Good night (1815) Bad night (517) Order T-Shirt
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  (307): View more from Wyoming

  Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.

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  (307): Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory. http://tfl.nu/grsq
  Replies (5) Good night (1434) Bad night (612) Order T-Shirt
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.

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  (774): Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep. http://tfl.nu/pcyk
  Replies (11) Good night (1554) Bad night (755) Order T-Shirt
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  (858): View more from California

  No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.

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  (858): No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter. http://tfl.nu/lm85
  Replies (17) Good night (3097) Bad night (786) Order T-Shirt
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  (870): View more from Arkansas

  he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"

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  (870): he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs" http://tfl.nu/uf2c
  Replies (8) Good night (2445) Bad night (655) Order T-Shirt
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.

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  (651): Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming. http://tfl.nu/qk4p
  Replies (4) Good night (1638) Bad night (1173) Order T-Shirt
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?

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  (570): Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie? http://tfl.nu/rubz
  Replies (3) Good night (1628) Bad night (438) Order T-Shirt
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour

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  (859): will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour http://tfl.nu/165f
  Replies (4) Good night (1530) Bad night (421) Order T-Shirt
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  (214): View more from Texas

  The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.

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  (214): The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to. http://tfl.nu/ot3b
  Replies (2) Good night (1664) Bad night (465) Order T-Shirt
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  (806): View more from Texas

  I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.

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  (806): I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit. http://tfl.nu/a0hw
  Replies (4) Good night (2385) Bad night (607) Order T-Shirt
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.

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  (816): You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do. http://tfl.nu/w9t3
  Replies (5) Good night (1932) Bad night (537) Order T-Shirt
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  (818): View more from California

  Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place

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  (818): Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place http://tfl.nu/xlhx
  Replies (58) Good night (15810) Bad night (825)
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.

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  (404): He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13. http://tfl.nu/mb7j
  Replies (13) Good night (8159) Bad night (830) Order T-Shirt
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  (719): View more from Colorado

  hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.

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  (719): hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year. http://tfl.nu/9tpx
  Replies (3) Good night (1291) Bad night (468) Order T-Shirt
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  (661): View more from California

  He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!

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  (661): He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth! http://tfl.nu/q4tp
  Replies (22) Good night (2367) Bad night (1128) Order T-Shirt
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  (207): View more from Maine

  Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?

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  (207): Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this? http://tfl.nu/g5cp
  Replies (9) Good night (2975) Bad night (528) Order T-Shirt
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.

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  (203): Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder. http://tfl.nu/zfbm
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  (423): View more from Tennessee

  take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.

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  (423): take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me. http://tfl.nu/qdcc
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  (647): View more from Ontario

  I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines

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  (647): I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines http://tfl.nu/pct1
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there

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  (570): I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there http://tfl.nu/1aoc
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  (269): View more from Michigan

  I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.

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  (269): I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away. http://tfl.nu/ufa3
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  (909): View more from California

  No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.

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  (909): No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets. http://tfl.nu/zkqt
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.

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  (847): Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy. http://tfl.nu/37ux
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.

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  (541): I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall. http://tfl.nu/64r1
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.

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  (303): Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us. http://tfl.nu/6nta
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.

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  (614): at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure. http://tfl.nu/2f8p
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  (334): View more from Alabama

  I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.

  (1-334): View more from Alabama

  Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.

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  (334): I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does. (1-334): Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers. http://tfl.nu/3563
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.

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  (970): Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them. http://tfl.nu/rk1i
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  (504): View more from Louisiana

  seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.

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  (504): seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams. http://tfl.nu/awr2
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  (360): View more from Washington

  Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?

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  (360): Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident? http://tfl.nu/46ya
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  (504): View more from Louisiana

  Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.

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  (504): Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later. http://tfl.nu/kqj9
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  (562): View more from California

  He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.

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  (562): He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break. http://tfl.nu/ad1k
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.

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  (814): Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright. http://tfl.nu/kb3m
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  (925): View more from California

  you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed

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  (925): you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed http://tfl.nu/e4j9
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.

  (1-304): View more from West Virginia

  Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?

  (304): View more from West Virginia

  No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.

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  (304): I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us. (1-304): Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat? (304): No there was a goat. I gave it a donut. http://tfl.nu/bds8
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  (510): View more from California

  just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?

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  (510): just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right? http://tfl.nu/dlby
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  (424): View more from California

  he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety

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  (424): he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety http://tfl.nu/36fw
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about

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  (313): Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about http://tfl.nu/rnip
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  (281): View more from Texas

  I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.

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  (281): I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind. http://tfl.nu/2oc1
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.

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  (513): This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last. http://tfl.nu/vgx8
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?

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  (303): Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us? http://tfl.nu/b72r
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo

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  (978): He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo http://tfl.nu/892m
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  (727): View more from Florida

  You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?

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  (727): You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you? http://tfl.nu/l34c
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?

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  (208): I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become? http://tfl.nu/ygut
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  (318): View more from Louisiana

  I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.

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  (318): I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious. http://tfl.nu/bpk6
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  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head

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  (780): I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head http://tfl.nu/nc7k
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  (310): View more from California

  When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.

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  (310): When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing. http://tfl.nu/i23j
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.

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  (651): I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his. http://tfl.nu/2lgm
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  (209): View more from California

  Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!

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  (209): Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country! http://tfl.nu/zlp4
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  (308): View more from Nebraska

  is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...

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  (308): is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night... http://tfl.nu/up0o
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.

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  (203): some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed. http://tfl.nu/br4z
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.

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  (616): All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good. http://tfl.nu/bkrn
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.

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  (678): God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job. http://tfl.nu/ew2c
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.

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  (+44): Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off. http://tfl.nu/7fq9
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?

  (1-443): View more from Maryland

  A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.

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  (443): Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever? (1-443): A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month. http://tfl.nu/w6z0
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them

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  (217): I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them http://tfl.nu/sgxd
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  (269): View more from Michigan

  I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.

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  (269): I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police. http://tfl.nu/uj8w
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.

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  (540): Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place. http://tfl.nu/p2sn
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.

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  (303): We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates. http://tfl.nu/w536
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  (916): View more from California

  Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash

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  (916): Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash http://tfl.nu/rtwe
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.

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  (248): Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'. http://tfl.nu/4pwa
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  (904): View more from Florida

  you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.

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  (904): you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck. http://tfl.nu/a9rr
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,

  (679): View more from Michigan

  I wanted to be a dolphin.

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  (717): You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it.., (679): I wanted to be a dolphin. http://tfl.nu/th6t
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?

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  (248): Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door? http://tfl.nu/ayiv
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  (269): View more from Michigan

  It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.

  (1-269): View more from Michigan

  I just wanted to decorate you...

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  (269): It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair. (1-269): I just wanted to decorate you... http://tfl.nu/gax7
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.

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  (404): Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish. http://tfl.nu/tpdo
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  (818): View more from California

  You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.

  (805): View more from California

  Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.

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  (818): You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy. (805): Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people. http://tfl.nu/c90f
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.

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  (812): Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand. http://tfl.nu/f9hd
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!

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  (402): 1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow! http://tfl.nu/fjak
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?

  (708): View more from Illinois

  We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.

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  (847): Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday? (708): We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us. http://tfl.nu/9z48
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  (386): View more from Florida

  after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.

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  (386): after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time. http://tfl.nu/767v
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  (214): View more from Texas

  dude. I'm so drunk.

  (972): View more from Texas

  pete, this is bryce's mom

  (214): View more from Texas

  I can't wait to have my cock in your ass

  (972): View more from Texas

  pete, this is still bryce's mom

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  (214): dude. I'm so drunk. (972): pete, this is bryce's mom (214): I can't wait to have my cock in your ass (972): pete, this is still bryce's mom http://tfl.nu/lat0
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  (727): View more from Florida

  I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?

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  (727): I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there? http://tfl.nu/2pix
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  (850): View more from Florida

  Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?

  (850): View more from Florida

  I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife

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  (850): Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave? (850): I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife http://tfl.nu/5iik
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  (512): View more from Texas

  i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.

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  (512): i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT. http://tfl.nu/zq8a
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.

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  (604): She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking. http://tfl.nu/ilmx
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands

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  (717): hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands http://tfl.nu/c6ww
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  (315): View more from New York

  i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love

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  (315): i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love http://tfl.nu/v9ss
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'

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  (401): Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.' http://tfl.nu/mde3
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  (915): View more from Texas

  I told you I was good to drive

  (1-915): View more from Texas

  dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

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  (915): I told you I was good to drive (1-915): dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate http://tfl.nu/7qaj
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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  (757): At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP." http://tfl.nu/p091
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.

  (1-847): View more from Illinois

  How was it?

  (847): View more from Illinois

  Fantastic, but that's not the point.

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  (847): I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me. (1-847): How was it? (847): Fantastic, but that's not the point. http://tfl.nu/muuk
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

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  (919): so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog. http://tfl.nu/73qd
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more

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  (703): Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more http://tfl.nu/zuqw
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

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  (519): and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba" http://tfl.nu/uoap
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

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  (215): i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section http://tfl.nu/5gr0
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!

  (860): View more from Connecticut

  I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo

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  (860): MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!! (860): I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo http://tfl.nu/vjys
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.

  (314): View more from Missouri

  That was the greatest thing i have ever read.

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  (636): He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping. (314): That was the greatest thing i have ever read. http://tfl.nu/0exi
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  (862): View more from New Jersey

  I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!

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  (862): I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands! http://tfl.nu/blis
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  (727): View more from Florida

  Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.

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  (727): Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time. http://tfl.nu/hhge
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino

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  (816): i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino http://tfl.nu/4r5s
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.

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  (802): It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic. http://tfl.nu/v71x
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  (818): View more from California

  She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"

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  (818): She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas" http://tfl.nu/kk50
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.

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  (610): She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her. http://tfl.nu/io76
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  (206): View more from Washington

  Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?

  (206): View more from Washington

  Adult decisions.

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  (206): Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility? (206): Adult decisions. http://tfl.nu/m22f
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.

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  (404): I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth. http://tfl.nu/16j0
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  (506): View more from New Brunswick

  Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on

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  (506): Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on http://tfl.nu/ntvw
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  the wall and i were having dominance issues.

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  (614): the wall and i were having dominance issues. http://tfl.nu/itlm
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  (530): View more from California

  He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"

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  (530): He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?" http://tfl.nu/zkkw
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  (520): View more from Arizona

  Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.

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  (520): Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded. http://tfl.nu/om7e
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  (506): View more from New Brunswick

  Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.

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  (506): Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea. http://tfl.nu/9li0
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room

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  (610): About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room http://tfl.nu/tujl
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  (916): View more from California

  In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?

  (1-916): View more from California

  Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.

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  (916): In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room? (1-916): Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne. http://tfl.nu/vsj8
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