Texts From Last Night · KingCynosure's Favorites

Sorry talianstalian hasn't picked any favorites yet.

KingCynosure's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

(706): View more from Georgia

When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I just vodka nap now...

Fav 1 894 640
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.

Fav 5 1122 647
share tweet

(404): View more from Georgia

Go christen that room with your naked body.

Fav 0 825 498
share tweet
(361): View more from Texas

I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...

Fav 1 981 651
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE

Fav 9 1226 593
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.

Fav 5 1537 596
share tweet

(518): View more from New York

you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.

Fav 3 816 697
share tweet

(727): View more from Florida

they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."

Fav 2 840 551
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

Can you bring me the toilet please

Fav 2 882 723
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?

Fav 5 723 1087
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling

Fav 6 647 1098
share tweet

(202): View more from Washington, DC

Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.

Fav 9 577 1701
share tweet

(214): View more from Texas

Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.

Fav 1 730 745
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.

Fav 2 967 727
share tweet

(620): View more from Kansas

It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?

Fav 1 1277 619
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?

Fav 3 899 610
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate

Fav 9 645 1154
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.

Fav 7 645 989
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of

Fav 2 614 700
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.

Fav 4 1038 598
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.

Fav 3 1122 507
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.

(802): View more from Vermont

So basically you were a dog.

Fav 14 8760 1367
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.

Fav 12 2488 772
share tweet
(231): View more from Michigan

FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today

Fav 5 2154 891
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?

Fav 13 1009 1919
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...

Fav 8 1138 2713
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...

Fav 5 2946 1238
share tweet
(478): View more from Georgia

I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical

Fav 2 979 590
share tweet
(650): View more from California

I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.

Fav 2 970 518
share tweet
(905): View more from Ontario

It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on

Fav 9 2311 1501
share tweet
(269): View more from Michigan

Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.

Fav 2 622 716
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.

(973): View more from New Jersey

I'm moving there. Get me hired.

Fav 39 6087 1176
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.

Fav 18 2722 1187
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!

Fav 5 1014 588
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.

Fav 8 2237 866
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.

Fav 27 4346 1104
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.

Fav 6 2316 1294
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN

Fav 10 2311 1166
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.

(1-406): View more from Montana

That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.

Fav 10 1155 2821
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.

Fav 3 636 1008
share tweet
(707): View more from California

New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.

Fav 2 585 1115
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face

Fav 7 626 1123
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.

Fav 25 573 1301
share tweet
(707): View more from California

Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???

Fav 6 538 1507
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.

Fav 8 593 1796
share tweet
(714): View more from California

I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.

Fav 16 659 1835
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.

Fav 0 1020 489
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

If you need anything just hit me up

(845): View more from New York

Pancakes

(201): View more from New Jersey

Noted.

Fav 1 1154 567
share tweet
(863): View more from Florida

I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.

Fav 2 1104 528
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.

Fav 7 1069 497
share tweet
(269): View more from Michigan

Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?

Fav 7 1116 622
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.

Fav 5 1137 543
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time

Fav 3 1065 521
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.

(1-240): View more from Maryland

You've ruined popcorn for me.

Fav 7 1154 907
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.

Fav 6 1145 607
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.

Fav 1 1108 565
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.

Fav 0 1280 608
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.

Fav 9 1194 610
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.

Fav 1 1268 609
share tweet
(458): View more from Oregon

And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.

(458): View more from Oregon

Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.

Fav 3 1284 674
share tweet
(306): View more from Saskatchewan

but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die

Fav 4 1282 627
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport

Fav 3 1247 501
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.

(425): View more from Washington

I'll pay?

(206): View more from Washington

Pick me up at 9.

Fav 2 1303 699
share tweet
(774): View more from Massachusetts

Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak

(603): View more from New Hampshire

my vagina doesn't wear a watch

Fav 6 1471 613
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.

Fav 3 1409 499
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?

(1-541): View more from Oregon

I was just power-washing my vagina.

Fav 8 1663 595
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.

Fav 22 2378 668
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.

(469): View more from Texas

BP at your house from now on.

Fav 0 1010 604
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

happy early fathers day!!!

(829): View more from Dominican Rep

im not a father

(843): View more from South Carolina

about that...

Fav 225 8818 73996
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.

(1-404): View more from Georgia

Two?

(404): View more from Georgia

Two.

Fav 264 5203 80183
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.

Fav 258 5728 81499
share tweet
(310): View more from California

ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.

Fav 175 7687 81667
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...

(1-609): View more from New Jersey

and?

(609): View more from New Jersey

RIP clitoris

Fav 599 6031 103463
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.

Fav 800 8605 112724
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.

Fav 62 31766 1918
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.

Fav 166 32932 2487
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.

Fav 98 33311 1776
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?

Fav 110 34543 1819
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.

Fav 29 34811 1714
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'

(740): View more from Ohio

i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.

Fav 83 35244 2058
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

dude. I'm so drunk.

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is bryce's mom

(214): View more from Texas

I can't wait to have my cock in your ass

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is still bryce's mom

Fav 180 38255 5883
share tweet
(718): View more from New York

bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch

(917): View more from New York City

I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation

Fav 41 39280 2242
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket

Fav 77 39774 2395
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.

(303): View more from Colorado

Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.

Fav 111 40363 3929
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero

Fav 71 40823 2204
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars

(910): View more from North Carolina

IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT

Fav 83 41222 2678
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.

Fav 119 41647 2327
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".

Fav 388 41775 4649
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet

(908): View more from New Jersey

I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building

(201): View more from New Jersey

Tie

Fav 97 45282 2188
share tweet
(347): View more from New York

in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him

Fav 134 45580 2414
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again

Fav 206 46795 4630
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

the red head has a bf

(1-843): View more from South Carolina

just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score

Fav 118 46244 4282
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.

Fav 111 47671 3212
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.

(1-973): View more from New Jersey

Guess she heard her killer coming

Fav 117 48531 2769
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?

Fav 125 48824 2422
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"

Fav 48 49310 2812
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.

Fav 50 49692 1935
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands

Fav 83 51212 2741
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.

Fav 112 53250 2388
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

Fav 185 53791 3107
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down

Fav 207 53715 3601
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test

Fav 79 54013 2794
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.

Fav 280 55478 5265
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love

Fav 131 63492 2875
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow

Fav 236 67233 3288
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

Fav 298 76383 3434
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests

Fav 202 82806 5242
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.

Fav 179 88552 4083
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

Fav 510 88715 9690
share tweet
(909): View more from California

I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him

Fav 167 92801 4897
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

I would do horrible things to your vagina.

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Prove it.

Fav 184 96430 5746
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true

Fav 414 106505 10573
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

Fav 445 115837 11205
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more

Fav 204 120257 4362
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed

Fav 127 131172 3916
share tweet
(312): View more from Illinois

I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.

Fav 388 132000 5202
share tweet