So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
