Texts From Last Night · BandmanEIU's Favorites

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(410): View more from Maryland

She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!

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(831): View more from California

She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.

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(619): View more from California

He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.

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(941): View more from Florida

I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting

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(843): View more from South Carolina

What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.

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(319): View more from Iowa

Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus

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(973): View more from New Jersey

"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time

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(712): View more from Iowa

You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out

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(248): View more from Michigan

My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango

(1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.

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(562): View more from California

guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".

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(304): View more from West Virginia

As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.

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(206): View more from Washington

Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?

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(914): View more from New York

we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.

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(765): View more from Indiana

I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.

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(503): View more from Oregon

We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.

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(541): View more from Oregon

She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower

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(423): View more from Tennessee

It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.

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(706): View more from Georgia

I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.

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(248): View more from Michigan

For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought

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(309): View more from Illinois

We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.

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(253): View more from Washington

Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex

(206): View more from Washington

Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy

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(+61): View more from Australia

i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..

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(540): View more from Virginia

The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth

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(301): View more from Maryland

my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook

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(402): View more from Nebraska

doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....

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(201): View more from New Jersey

He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.

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(646): View more from New York

So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.

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(303): View more from Colorado

His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.

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(618): View more from Illinois

I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.

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(340): View more from US Virgin Islands

I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..

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(702): View more from Nevada

the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from

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(818): View more from California

Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place

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(618): View more from Illinois

thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame

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(914): View more from New York

Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?

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(270): View more from Kentucky

I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.

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(575): View more from New Mexico

I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave

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(334): View more from Alabama

I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.

(1-334): View more from Alabama

Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.

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(540): View more from Virginia

please bring me a paper towel asap.

(540): View more from Virginia

I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I'm half single.

(773): View more from Illinois

Please tell me it's the bottom half.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!

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(559): View more from California

And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.

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(251): View more from Alabama

When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D

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(480): View more from Arizona

I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.

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(320): View more from Minnesota

I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol

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(615): View more from Tennessee

In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted

(1-615): View more from Tennessee

it is a toga and you are a goddess.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa

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(971): View more from Oregon

I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity

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(512): View more from Texas

It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends

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(916): View more from California

In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?

(1-916): View more from California

Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.

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(956): View more from Texas

He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...

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(408): View more from California

The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.

(408): View more from California

You've ruined television for me.

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(520): View more from Arizona

if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.

(1-978): View more from Massachusetts

Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.

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(740): View more from Ohio

I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.

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(773): View more from Illinois

He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.

(970): View more from Colorado

I am going to be fat forever.

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(313): View more from Michigan

First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina

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(916): View more from California

you want your laptop back?

(1-916): View more from California

are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?

(916): View more from California

both.

(1-916): View more from California

come over.

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(519): View more from Ontario

we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning

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(217): View more from Illinois

the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office

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(847): View more from Illinois

I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.

(1-847): View more from Illinois

How was it?

(847): View more from Illinois

Fantastic, but that's not the point.

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(407): View more from Florida

i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...

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(519): View more from Ontario

and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...

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(573): View more from Missouri

We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.

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(352): View more from Florida

I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND

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(661): View more from California

We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.

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(325): View more from Texas

The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b

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(719): View more from Colorado

it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.

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(765): View more from Indiana

You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"

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(210): View more from Texas

Road construction signs are deceptively heavy

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(970): View more from Colorado

I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.

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(912): View more from Georgia

Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.

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(816): View more from Missouri

She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum

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(989): View more from Michigan

I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.

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(253): View more from Washington

Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.

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(515): View more from Iowa

How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away

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(770): View more from Georgia

I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.

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(207): View more from Maine

DRUNK CANOEING

(804): View more from Virginia

Please text me if you survive.

(207): View more from Maine

LAND HO BITCH

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(281): View more from Texas

You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.

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(585): View more from New York

they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too

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(860): View more from Connecticut

nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg

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(216): View more from Ohio

I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?

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(239): View more from Florida

Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.

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(513): View more from Ohio

2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.

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(469): View more from Texas

on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.

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(254): View more from Texas

Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."

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(330): View more from Ohio

Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.

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(914): View more from New York

Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class

(1-914): View more from New York

that is WHY your in summer classes

(914): View more from New York

worth it

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(330): View more from Ohio

I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?

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(269): View more from Michigan

Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.

(1-202): View more from Washington, DC

Thanks, mom.

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(772): View more from Florida

You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.

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(416): View more from Toronto

I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.

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(440): View more from Ohio

im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.

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(517): View more from Michigan

Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs

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(206): View more from Washington

She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?

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(480): View more from Arizona

Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.

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(248): View more from Michigan

You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.

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(630): View more from Illinois

you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka

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(770): View more from Georgia

Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.

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(513): View more from Ohio

He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.

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(810): View more from Michigan

during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"

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(609): View more from New Jersey

We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''

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(619): View more from California

He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?

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(541): View more from Oregon

my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests

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(915): View more from Texas

I told you I was good to drive

(1-915): View more from Texas

dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

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