The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
i'm not sure what happened. i know i woke up on the floor of his bathroom, then had morning sex with him. dont remember getting to his apt. dont remember much.
morning sex?... maybe not a total mistake then? he seems like a normal person, so rare at BU
oh no, he's far from normal. i know his high school girlfriend. she's CRAZY. and he definitely deals prescription drugs. also. he had sex with me even though i slept on his bathroom floor.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.