Texts From Last Night · sayyummmx's Favorites

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(303): View more from Colorado

dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.

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(256): View more from Alabama

Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.

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(210): View more from Texas

she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

watch out for the queen of hearts

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

fuucck i forgot ab her

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(816): View more from Missouri

you were mass sexting so we took your phone away

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(562): View more from California

hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available

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(410): View more from Maryland

I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for

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(818): View more from California

apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?

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(314): View more from Missouri

For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex

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(720): View more from Colorado

You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.

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(818): View more from California

i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do

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(407): View more from Florida

my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much

(1-407): View more from Florida

It'll hurt less than being alone

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(218): View more from Minnesota

My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.

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(407): View more from Florida

I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...

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(347): View more from New York

You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

well i fucked her too, so yes.

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(706): View more from Georgia

What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.

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(518): View more from New York

bad decision saturdays are such a good decision

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.

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(248): View more from Michigan

either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.

(978): View more from Massachusetts

I guess I misjudged your gender.

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(206): View more from Washington

I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.

(719): View more from Colorado

she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.

(414): View more from Wisconsin

are you serious?

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(845): View more from New York

im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to

(1-845): View more from New York

i wanted you to too

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

seriously i just wanna be friends

(1-508): View more from Massachusetts

pass

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(850): View more from Florida

this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen

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(212): View more from New York

btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up

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(952): View more from Minnesota

well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.

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(970): View more from Colorado

If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.

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(301): View more from Maryland

He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room

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(519): View more from Ontario

Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.

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(647): View more from Ontario

Get out of your relationship and into my pants.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.

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(620): View more from Kansas

throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex

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(620): View more from Kansas

Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?

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(816): View more from Missouri

she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.

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(217): View more from Illinois

I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.

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(416): View more from Toronto

I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.

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(850): View more from Florida

TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.

(407): View more from Florida

i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.

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(614): View more from Ohio

My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.

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(515): View more from Iowa

I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.

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(480): View more from Arizona

We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.

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(305): View more from Florida

He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with

(217): View more from Illinois

well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment

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(646): View more from New York

How are you going to be there by 9am?

(919): View more from North Carolina

Relax I always go to these conferences hung over

(646): View more from New York

You say that like it's a positive quality

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(443): View more from Maryland

sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends

(336): View more from North Carolina

I know, I was there.

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(812): View more from Indiana

i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.

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(530): View more from California

If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.

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(443): View more from Maryland

i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober

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(847): View more from Illinois

If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.

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(818): View more from California

I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.

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(469): View more from Texas

Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.

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(519): View more from Ontario

You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing

(248): View more from Michigan

Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa

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(847): View more from Illinois

Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.

(708): View more from Illinois

May it rest in peace.

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(207): View more from Maine

things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.

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(573): View more from Missouri

You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.

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(613): View more from Ontario

Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.

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(310): View more from California

A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

we just fucked in the mcds parking lot

(1-732): View more from New Jersey

wasnt he a virgin

(732): View more from New Jersey

yes we got celebratory milkshakes after

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(410): View more from Maryland

She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you

(580): View more from Oklahoma

Really.

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(785): View more from Kansas

Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him

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(316): View more from Kansas

I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper

(785): View more from Kansas

He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.

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(954): View more from Florida

im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

someone was throwing condoms at us.

(1-401): View more from Rhode Island

no, they just magically show up around you.

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(313): View more from Michigan

The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Umm you met him three days ago....

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I said what I said

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(940): View more from Texas

That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone

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(808): View more from Hawaii

You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited

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(502): View more from Kentucky

She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.

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(801): View more from Utah

He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.

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(571): View more from Virginia

dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest

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(574): View more from Indiana

Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal

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(805): View more from California

she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.

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(818): View more from California

Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.

(1-818): View more from California

Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.

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(512): View more from Texas

He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

my phone needs a breathalizer

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport

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(703): View more from Virginia

I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills

(262): View more from Wisconsin

how else could I explain the last few years

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(845): View more from New York

what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?

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(773): View more from Illinois

If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.

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(205): View more from Alabama

We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.

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(314): View more from Missouri

So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra

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(209): View more from California

He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7

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(607): View more from New York

Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.

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(334): View more from Alabama

God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

I just cut my nipple shaving

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(503): View more from Oregon

PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."

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(415): View more from California

I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?

(512): View more from Texas

Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.

(415): View more from California

Watch for tornadoes.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation

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(703): View more from Virginia

you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments

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(718): View more from New York

you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.

(917): View more from New York City

i told you we never speak of that again

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(269): View more from Michigan

did you hook up austin?

(248): View more from Michigan

No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed

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(850): View more from Florida

She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever

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(757): View more from Virginia

I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...

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(647): View more from Ontario

47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.

(1-647): View more from Ontario

Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?

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(858): View more from California

I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.

(619): View more from California

you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS

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(818): View more from California

His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.

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(316): View more from Kansas

Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.

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(132): View more from

if you force a hooker to have sex with you and dont pay her would it be rape or theft? something to ponder

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(917): View more from New York City

did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?

(914): View more from New York

you mean faeutihaers?

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(250): View more from British Columbia

the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.

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(801): View more from Utah

all he gave me for my birthday was sperm

(254): View more from Texas

at least its a homemade gift

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(720): View more from Colorado

I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.

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