dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
seriously i just wanna be friends
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
my phone needs a breathalizer
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I just cut my nipple shaving
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
if you force a hooker to have sex with you and dont pay her would it be rape or theft? something to ponder
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.