I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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