What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Pants 0. Shit 1.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I've blown a few things in my day
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.