I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Sex on roller skates
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I wish they made helmets for livers.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "