So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
