Texts From Last Night

mattysarre's Favorites Texts:

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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.

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  (202): you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry. http://tfl.nu/e7cu
  Replies (9) Good night (6859) Bad night (632) Order T-Shirt
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.

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  (919): All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar. http://tfl.nu/cp66
  Replies (10) Good night (5815) Bad night (786) Order T-Shirt
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts

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  (937): there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts http://tfl.nu/ju9y
  Replies (28) Good night (5009) Bad night (319) Order T-Shirt
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  (917): View more from New York City

  I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike

  (1-917): View more from New York City

  this is mike. we're done.

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  (917): I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike (1-917): this is mike. we're done. http://tfl.nu/abns
  Replies (21) Good night (445) Bad night (2600) Order T-Shirt
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.

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  (937): so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had. http://tfl.nu/vdqf
  Replies (8) Good night (1377) Bad night (4255) Order T-Shirt
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?

  (636): View more from Missouri

  Yup.

  (314): View more from Missouri

  Yup.

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  (314): hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then? (636): Yup. (314): Yup. http://tfl.nu/bp2u
  Replies (70) Good night (23407) Bad night (1429)
• Favorite

  (407): View more from Florida

  tod's in jail

  (863): View more from Florida

  he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.

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  (407): tod's in jail (863): he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am. http://tfl.nu/355g
  Replies (11) Good night (2233) Bad night (583)
• Favorite

  (773): View more from Illinois

  Just got to costco. Where are you?

  (602): View more from Arizona

  Liquor aisle, bring another cart.

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  (773): Just got to costco. Where are you? (602): Liquor aisle, bring another cart. http://tfl.nu/c1j1
  Replies (31) Good night (14654) Bad night (507)
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  Why are my keys in the refrigerator?

  (1-205): View more from Alabama

  You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.

  (205): View more from Alabama

  This explains so much.

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  (205): Why are my keys in the refrigerator? (1-205): You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you. (205): This explains so much. http://tfl.nu/ouwy
  Replies (29) Good night (16812) Bad night (607)
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  i have a girlfriend

  (847): View more from Illinois

  if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?

  (630): View more from Illinois

  no

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  (630): i have a girlfriend (847): if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend? (630): no http://tfl.nu/0yu4
  Replies (40) Good night (5189) Bad night (1462)
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever

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  (303): Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever http://tfl.nu/gvxq
  Replies (21) Good night (9982) Bad night (1541) Order T-Shirt
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.

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  (301): He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him. http://tfl.nu/18rr
  Replies (6) Good night (4113) Bad night (732) Order T-Shirt
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  (214): View more from Texas

  Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"

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  (214): Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid" http://tfl.nu/i4ng
  Replies (11) Good night (5037) Bad night (726)
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  (315): View more from New York

  why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?

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  (315): why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall? http://tfl.nu/qv4b
  Replies (9) Good night (979) Bad night (3996) Order T-Shirt
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.

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  (+44): Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though. http://tfl.nu/3f7o
  Replies (7) Good night (4885) Bad night (605)
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  (817): View more from Texas

  And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub

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  (817): And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub http://tfl.nu/i3vc
  Replies (7) Good night (790) Bad night (3001) Order T-Shirt
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  (631): View more from New York

  He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.

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  (631): He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved. http://tfl.nu/jbvc
  Replies (30) Good night (11300) Bad night (896)
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  (626): View more from California

  HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?

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  (626): HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN? http://tfl.nu/rsqz
  Replies (50) Good night (5618) Bad night (1752) Order T-Shirt
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning

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  (770): his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning http://tfl.nu/bect
  Replies (32) Good night (14866) Bad night (2048) Order T-Shirt
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.

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  (205): Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga. http://tfl.nu/3ybq
  Replies (13) Good night (4606) Bad night (661) Order T-Shirt
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  (949): View more from California

  just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."

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  (949): just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will." http://tfl.nu/pn0l
  Replies (35) Good night (20863) Bad night (582) Order T-Shirt
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"

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  (413): Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW" http://tfl.nu/hdte
  Replies (28) Good night (6335) Bad night (947) Order T-Shirt
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  (386): View more from Florida

  smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.

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  (386): smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina. http://tfl.nu/3vsv
  Replies (78) Good night (2160) Bad night (7723)
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  Best. Handjob. Ever.

  (905): View more from Ontario

  I'm guessing Kelly is over?

  (416): View more from Toronto

  Nope. Home alone.

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  (416): Best. Handjob. Ever. (905): I'm guessing Kelly is over? (416): Nope. Home alone. http://tfl.nu/vpw4
  Replies (19) Good night (5506) Bad night (2605)
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  (631): View more from New York

  This beer is not sobering me up at all

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  (631): This beer is not sobering me up at all http://tfl.nu/2fz8
  Replies (13) Good night (7286) Bad night (820) Order T-Shirt
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  (727): View more from Florida

  I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?

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  (727): I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there? http://tfl.nu/2pix
  Replies (101) Good night (36403) Bad night (1392)
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  (949): View more from California

  She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.

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  (949): She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed. http://tfl.nu/t3mj
  Replies (22) Good night (8651) Bad night (851) Order T-Shirt
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.

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  (810): She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance. http://tfl.nu/vgvp
  Replies (68) Good night (8601) Bad night (566)
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  what was i wearing?

  (203): View more from Connecticut

  nothing

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  (203): you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress' (508): what was i wearing? (203): nothing http://tfl.nu/2bg6
  Replies (21) Good night (14002) Bad night (767)
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready

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  (614): how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready http://tfl.nu/g5tv
  Replies (17) Good night (9653) Bad night (417) Order T-Shirt
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  (510): View more from California

  He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.

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  (510): He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again. http://tfl.nu/1fxb
  Replies (27) Good night (959) Bad night (7274) Order T-Shirt
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  (954): View more from Florida

  I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.

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  (954): I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else. http://tfl.nu/idx6
  Replies (14) Good night (2127) Bad night (1022) Order T-Shirt
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  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone

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  (414): we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone http://tfl.nu/fyy6
  Replies (32) Good night (6813) Bad night (598) Order T-Shirt
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?

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  (828): Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom? http://tfl.nu/y1hl
  Replies (26) Good night (1044) Bad night (7509) Order T-Shirt
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  (928): View more from Arizona

  Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".

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  (928): Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex". http://tfl.nu/7v4e
  Replies (54) Good night (28557) Bad night (1109) Order T-Shirt
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"

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  (314): he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting" http://tfl.nu/dmjy
  Replies (25) Good night (14546) Bad night (892) Order T-Shirt
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  (925): View more from California

  I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.

  (713): View more from Texas

  Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...

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  (925): I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night. (713): Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry... http://tfl.nu/w6q1
  Replies (36) Good night (3168) Bad night (398)
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.

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  (803): Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar. http://tfl.nu/zuya
  Replies (29) Good night (7917) Bad night (580) Order T-Shirt
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?

  (404): View more from Georgia

  You mean bread?

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  (678): All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast? (404): You mean bread? http://tfl.nu/0bp8
  Replies (60) Good night (16100) Bad night (989)
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  (425): View more from Washington

  you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it

  (206): View more from Washington

  youre the best friend ever

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  (425): you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it (206): youre the best friend ever http://tfl.nu/6oyc
  Replies (45) Good night (19375) Bad night (642)
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  Are you pooping in the stall next to me?

  (404): View more from Georgia

  Maybe....

  (540): View more from Virginia

  Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.

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  (540): Are you pooping in the stall next to me? (404): Maybe.... (540): Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts. http://tfl.nu/wph3
  Replies (82) Good night (3990) Bad night (4789)
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  (323): View more from California

  You got in a fight last night?

  (818): View more from California

  Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.

  (323): View more from California

  Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?

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  (323): You got in a fight last night? (818): Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since. (323): Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you? http://tfl.nu/hf09
  Replies (128) Good night (7629) Bad night (22866)
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  (415): View more from California

  So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.

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  (415): So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie. http://tfl.nu/1hr1
  Replies (25) Good night (5511) Bad night (847) Order T-Shirt
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  hot girl, 5 o clock

  (1-630): View more from Illinois

  do you know how to read a clock?

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  (630): hot girl, 5 o clock (1-630): do you know how to read a clock? http://tfl.nu/x1wt
  Replies (17) Good night (1114) Bad night (2703) Order T-Shirt
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  (352): View more from Florida

  I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.

  (917): View more from New York City

  I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.

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  (352): I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God. (917): I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice. http://tfl.nu/jdh1
  Replies (121) Good night (2758) Bad night (14581)
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  (917): View more from New York City

  omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter

  (310): View more from California

  Whats your twitter name

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  (917): omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter (310): Whats your twitter name http://tfl.nu/jdyv
  Replies (8) Good night (421) Bad night (2277)
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY

  (614): View more from Ohio

  handstands? WTF?

  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  she was a gymnast

  (614): View more from Ohio

   go to hell.

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  (405): I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY (614): handstands? WTF? (405): she was a gymnast (614): go to hell. http://tfl.nu/pyfe
  Replies (9) Good night (2565) Bad night (271)
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  You'll be proud of me

  (1-503): View more from Oregon

  Who did you not have sex with

  (503): View more from Oregon

  Damn it...you know me too well

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  (503): You'll be proud of me (1-503): Who did you not have sex with (503): Damn it...you know me too well http://tfl.nu/ealw
  Replies (13) Good night (4740) Bad night (439)
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.

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  (208): Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible. http://tfl.nu/1gp8
  Replies (27) Good night (2536) Bad night (629) Order T-Shirt
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store

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  (804): I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store http://tfl.nu/eac9
  Replies (10) Good night (7525) Bad night (478) Order T-Shirt
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  (646): View more from New York

  I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.

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  (646): I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister. http://tfl.nu/fqyo
  Replies (26) Good night (8593) Bad night (956) Order T-Shirt
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  (352): View more from Florida

  I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.

  (352): View more from Florida

  Just realized these events may be related.

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  (352): I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window. (352): Just realized these events may be related. http://tfl.nu/i6sd
  Replies (21) Good night (5735) Bad night (1376)
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  (845): View more from New York

  Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.

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  (845): Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents. http://tfl.nu/6leg
  Replies (33) Good night (10233) Bad night (792) Order T-Shirt
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.

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  (202): the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine. http://tfl.nu/yvwg
  Replies (15) Good night (880) Bad night (5106) Order T-Shirt
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.

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  (715): You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison. http://tfl.nu/kcq5
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.

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  (630): just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now. http://tfl.nu/m10w
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing

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  (402): Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing http://tfl.nu/n0bj
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  (727): View more from Florida

  My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo

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  (727): My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo http://tfl.nu/tgva
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  (917): View more from New York City

  I think I just saw someone hide a body.

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  (917): I think I just saw someone hide a body. http://tfl.nu/2aay
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.

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  (613): he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom. http://tfl.nu/9esh
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.

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  (608): I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her. http://tfl.nu/5b2d
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  (660): View more from Missouri

  THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.

  (816): View more from Missouri

  ..So we should take it off Youtube?

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  (660): THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you. (816): ..So we should take it off Youtube? http://tfl.nu/93os
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  (219): View more from Indiana

  By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone

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  (219): By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone http://tfl.nu/czmq
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  (260): View more from Indiana

  So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes

  (1-260): View more from Indiana

  Are your eyes okay

  (260): View more from Indiana

  I mean if I was Asian they would be

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  (260): So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes (1-260): Are your eyes okay (260): I mean if I was Asian they would be http://tfl.nu/l3r4
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.

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  (519): Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten. http://tfl.nu/vjjo
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  (302): View more from Delaware

  Who goes to Church hungover

  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk

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  (302): Who goes to Church hungover (717): Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk http://tfl.nu/g7sy
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  (510): View more from California

  I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...

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  (510): I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring... http://tfl.nu/set0
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?

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  (508): I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation? http://tfl.nu/jmz5
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?

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  (970): Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet? http://tfl.nu/tasx
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.

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  (920): you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving. http://tfl.nu/e2dg
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"

  (312): View more from Illinois

  Prob not but she was surprised

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  (773): When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate" (312): Prob not but she was surprised http://tfl.nu/a9jx
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.

  (828): View more from North Carolina

  Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner

  (864): View more from South Carolina

  Previous statement retracted.

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  (864): If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay. (828): Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner (864): Previous statement retracted. http://tfl.nu/e7pe
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.

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  (503): I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks. http://tfl.nu/i5e8
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Where are you?

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Strip Club

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  (508): Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends. (617): Where are you? (508): Strip Club http://tfl.nu/9e3o
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  (305): View more from Florida

  so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator

  (954): View more from Florida

  you didnt stop her?

  (305): View more from Florida

  too entertaining

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  (305): so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator (954): you didnt stop her? (305): too entertaining http://tfl.nu/7hz6
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill

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  (240): boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill http://tfl.nu/6vp9
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  (574): View more from Indiana

  So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.

  (574): View more from Indiana

  Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.

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  (574): So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap. (574): Side Note: My mute button doesn't work. http://tfl.nu/2spl
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  (917): View more from New York City

  SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.

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  (917): SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion. http://tfl.nu/nlg6
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum

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  (412): I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum http://tfl.nu/2gzo
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  (518): View more from New York

  As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.

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  (518): As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon. http://tfl.nu/t4x8
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  (310): View more from California

  dude i need help, im throwing up blood.

  (323): View more from California

  no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.

  (310): View more from California

  oh, so thats why my junks red.

  (323): View more from California

  wow. cant help you there...

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  (310): dude i need help, im throwing up blood. (323): no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up. (310): oh, so thats why my junks red. (323): wow. cant help you there... http://tfl.nu/yeir
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  yo i have your phone

  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  ... oh so you probably won't get this message

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  (202): yo i have your phone (202):... oh so you probably won't get this message http://tfl.nu/0ifv
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game

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  (937): she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game http://tfl.nu/2cbt
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.

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  (508): i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude. http://tfl.nu/zgqp
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker

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  (304): please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker http://tfl.nu/hr9i
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.

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  (248): The first sip always goes straight to my vagina. http://tfl.nu/w086
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  (+44): View more from England

  Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.

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  (+44): Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call. http://tfl.nu/fjfe
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  (850): View more from Florida

  You drinking a lot?

  (1-850): View more from Florida

  No.

  (1-850): View more from Florida

  Define a lot

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  (850): You drinking a lot? (1-850): No. (1-850): Define a lot http://tfl.nu/heqj
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  (574): View more from Indiana

  I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.

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  (574): I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself. http://tfl.nu/2lez
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  (949): View more from California

  The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning

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  (949): The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning http://tfl.nu/sax1
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"

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  (720): turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen" http://tfl.nu/kas3
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  (573): View more from Missouri

  his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"

  (314): View more from Missouri

  did it work

  (573): View more from Missouri

  that's not the point...

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  (573): his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?" (314): did it work (573): that's not the point... http://tfl.nu/fjqb
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox

  (1-860): View more from Connecticut

  without a question

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  (860): I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox (1-860): without a question http://tfl.nu/lm2z
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  (718): View more from New York

  bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch

  (917): View more from New York City

  I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation

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  (718): bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch (917): I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation http://tfl.nu/gosl
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  (310): View more from California

  can your parents tell?

  (310): View more from California

  i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know

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  (310): can your parents tell? (310): i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know http://tfl.nu/rda5
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.

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  (515): On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it. http://tfl.nu/mvhu
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.

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  (734): A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country. http://tfl.nu/okwk
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?

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  (519): i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends? http://tfl.nu/08w4
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  (514): View more from Quebec

  His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.

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  (514): His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn. http://tfl.nu/voym
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  (308): View more from Nebraska

  I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad

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  (308): I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad http://tfl.nu/3y6v
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  happy early fathers day!!!

  (829): View more from Dominican Rep

  im not a father

  (843): View more from South Carolina

  about that...

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  (843): happy early fathers day!!! (829): im not a father (843): about that... http://tfl.nu/tk4z
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.

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  (515): She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself. http://tfl.nu/imt6
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good

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  (978): Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good http://tfl.nu/k903
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  (305): View more from Florida

  i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.

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  (305): i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer. http://tfl.nu/jibz
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  (713): View more from Texas

  she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?

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  (713): she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful? http://tfl.nu/75hl
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.

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  (734): I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians. http://tfl.nu/rppl
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.

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  (617): i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend. (508): i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me. http://tfl.nu/ho6s
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  (817): View more from Texas

  90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus

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  (817): 90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus http://tfl.nu/i6dy
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times

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  (706): He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times http://tfl.nu/wnel
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.

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  (412): I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door. http://tfl.nu/f9if
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  (818): View more from California

  His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.

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  (818): His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face. http://tfl.nu/bthr
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  (218): View more from Minnesota

  Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.

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  (218): Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it. http://tfl.nu/dm7u
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  (716): View more from New York

  You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70

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  (716): You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70 http://tfl.nu/w9g2
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.

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  (724): Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted. http://tfl.nu/tz2e
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.

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  (404): I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid. http://tfl.nu/v3pa
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.

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  (613): Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors. http://tfl.nu/tkq1
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