Texts From Last Night · kaitlynlee's Favorites

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kaitlynlee's Favorites Texts:

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(754): View more from Florida

I feel like the other woman.

(954): View more from Florida

You ARE the other woman.

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(863): View more from Florida

During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?

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(541): View more from Oregon

So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward

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(812): View more from Indiana

My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?

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(813): View more from Florida

I'm fucking your sister right now.

(1-813): View more from Florida

You motherfucker

(813): View more from Florida

She's next.

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(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I would do horrible things to your vagina.

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Prove it.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.

(1-847): View more from Illinois

How was it?

(847): View more from Illinois

Fantastic, but that's not the point.

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(410): View more from Maryland

I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward

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(563): View more from Iowa

I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?

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(630): View more from Illinois

It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam

(212): View more from New York

enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".

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(765): View more from Indiana

Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.

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(702): View more from Nevada

And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?

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(813): View more from Florida

y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.

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(985): View more from Louisiana

If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.

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(650): View more from California

OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I don`t remember Saturday, actually

(1-604): View more from British Columbia

Its ok, i dont remember 2007

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(609): View more from New Jersey

We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far

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(407): View more from Florida

Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?

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(716): View more from New York

as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.

(1-716): View more from New York

momma always taught us never to change for a boy..

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(317): View more from Indiana

Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.

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(925): View more from California

I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..

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(226): View more from Ontario

Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again

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(815): View more from Illinois

I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.

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(330): View more from Ohio

what are you wearing?

(703): View more from Virginia

Just my guilt

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(707): View more from California

She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.

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(714): View more from California

considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned

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(707): View more from California

I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.

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(206): View more from Washington

She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.

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(937): View more from Ohio

also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic

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(207): View more from Maine

FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.

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(419): View more from Ohio

then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"

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(250): View more from British Columbia

you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".

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(407): View more from Florida

And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.

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(916): View more from California

I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk

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(315): View more from New York

MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!

(315): View more from New York

AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Did I show you my penis last night?

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(815): View more from Illinois

New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.

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(214): View more from Texas

I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"

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(303): View more from Colorado

One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no

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(410): View more from Maryland

I love how my cats smell like pot.

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(207): View more from Maine

there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets

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(586): View more from Michigan

just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall

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(973): View more from New Jersey

her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.

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(443): View more from Maryland

I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly

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(786): View more from Florida

I miss vodka workout Fridays

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym

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(253): View more from Washington

Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!

(508): View more from Massachusetts

because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.

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(315): View more from New York

It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"

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(513): View more from Ohio

he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

And to think..we used to do everything sober...

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(518): View more from New York

i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur

(413): View more from Massachusetts

did it start talking like on Land before time?

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i don't plan on having that self control this summer

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(941): View more from Florida

i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that

(850): View more from Florida

im pretty sure thats an 11

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(804): View more from Virginia

Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men

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(847): View more from Illinois

Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.

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(619): View more from California

went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.

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(740): View more from Ohio

ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.

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(917): View more from New York City

M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.

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(214): View more from Texas

So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.

(1-214): View more from Texas

Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.

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(916): View more from California

She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.

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(310): View more from California

I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls

(415): View more from California

Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?

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(586): View more from Michigan

All I know is that if italians start TIME TRAVELLING were all in a lot of trouble paizon

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(347): View more from New York

just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner

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(315): View more from New York

My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'

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(763): View more from Minnesota

Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...

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(973): View more from New Jersey

just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us

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(619): View more from California

I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.

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(518): View more from New York

he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."

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(330): View more from Ohio

You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha

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(727): View more from Florida

and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.

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(702): View more from Nevada

I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.

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(416): View more from Toronto

I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight

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(760): View more from California

It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.

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(408): View more from California

I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.

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(515): View more from Iowa

You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.

(1-515): View more from Iowa

Deal!

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(630): View more from Illinois

You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot

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(410): View more from Maryland

i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes

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(206): View more from Washington

I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.

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(805): View more from California

Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!

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(503): View more from Oregon

He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"

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(864): View more from South Carolina

I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention

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(816): View more from Missouri

That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came

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(732): View more from New Jersey

she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love

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(256): View more from Alabama

i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.

(1-256): View more from Alabama

dude how high are you right now?

(256): View more from Alabama

do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun

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(708): View more from Illinois

Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic

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(770): View more from Georgia

She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.

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(210): View more from Texas

Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.

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(713): View more from Texas

We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way

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(585): View more from New York

If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.

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(614): View more from Ohio

yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.

(1-614): View more from Ohio

and what did he say?

(614): View more from Ohio

there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture

(1-336): View more from North Carolina

Glad to see your being a lady about this

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(360): View more from Washington

Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!

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(714): View more from California

You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"

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(905): View more from Ontario

gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way

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(901): View more from Tennessee

She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.

(1-901): View more from Tennessee

Dude, if you don't take her, I will.

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(260): View more from Indiana

Vodka is such a love hate relationship.

(661): View more from California

Truer words have never been spoken.

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(914): View more from New York

my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet

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(519): View more from Ontario

i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?

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(530): View more from California

There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them

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(860): View more from Connecticut

he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.

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(817): View more from Texas

you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.

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(801): View more from Utah

we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha

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(317): View more from Indiana

my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.

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(419): View more from Ohio

I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said

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(585): View more from New York

She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.

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(917): View more from New York City

I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up

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(315): View more from New York

Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis

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(623): View more from Arizona

I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.

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