I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
