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at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
honey bunches of taint.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
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