She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
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So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
i'm home, then i'll come over
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I hate ducks.
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man
he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?