scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
I dont know to explain this.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times