Texts From Last Night

Matrixgrl09's Favorites Texts:

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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore

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  (774): I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore http://tfl.nu/ac46
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  (626): View more from California

  We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40

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  (626): We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40 http://tfl.nu/yjln
  Replies (3) Good night (1395) Bad night (415)
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.

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  (734): In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER. http://tfl.nu/mukx
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  (406): View more from Montana

  You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt

  (1-406): View more from Montana

  That literally makes no sense

  (406): View more from Montana

  Exactly

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  (406): You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt (1-406): That literally makes no sense (406): Exactly http://tfl.nu/db6l
  Replies (7) Good night (2023) Bad night (566)
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex

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  (843): i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex http://tfl.nu/fymj
  Replies (8) Good night (1867) Bad night (943) Order T-Shirt
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  (714): View more from California

  im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.

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  (714): im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats. http://tfl.nu/387j
  Replies (8) Good night (2232) Bad night (689) Order T-Shirt
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future

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  (+44): Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future http://tfl.nu/1p5t
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  (712): View more from Iowa

  I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love

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  (712): I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love http://tfl.nu/bjop
  Replies (23) Good night (4399) Bad night (620) Order T-Shirt
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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.

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  (267): Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her. http://tfl.nu/ywpc
  Replies (23) Good night (787) Bad night (2956) Order T-Shirt
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  (269): View more from Michigan

  all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird

  (269): View more from Michigan

  OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO

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  (269): all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird (269): OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO http://tfl.nu/9b3x
  Replies (3) Good night (1809) Bad night (638)
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!

  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.

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  (412): You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!! (412): I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten. http://tfl.nu/bqpb
  Replies (13) Good night (3489) Bad night (586)
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.

  (1-902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies

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  (902): Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years. (1-902): Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies http://tfl.nu/48gx
  Replies (11) Good night (4033) Bad night (645) Order T-Shirt
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  (509): View more from Washington

  Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish

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  (509): Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish http://tfl.nu/77ap
  Replies (11) Good night (2372) Bad night (1539) Order T-Shirt
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  (361): View more from Texas

  I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.

  (1-361): View more from Texas

  Ew! He's just a child!

  (361): View more from Texas

  AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.

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  (361): I'm okay with corrupting his young mind. (1-361): Ew! He's just a child! (361): AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE. http://tfl.nu/exs0
  Replies (46) Good night (3712) Bad night (1711)
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.

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  (203): Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever. http://tfl.nu/gq2j
  Replies (27) Good night (2592) Bad night (575)
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.

  (513): View more from Ohio

  Who are you high with right now?

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  (513): chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it. (513): Who are you high with right now? http://tfl.nu/0n4i
  Replies (11) Good night (1944) Bad night (519)
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  (+61): View more from Australia

  I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.

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  (+61): I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god. http://tfl.nu/eynz
  Replies (19) Good night (960) Bad night (6594) Order T-Shirt
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop

  (213): View more from California

  so that means christmas in space?

  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi

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  (781): my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop (213): so that means christmas in space? (781): imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi http://tfl.nu/5ssx
  Replies (14) Good night (6867) Bad night (1110)
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.

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  (715): I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk. http://tfl.nu/tfhs
  Replies (5) Good night (4547) Bad night (722) Order T-Shirt
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....

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  (708): You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark.... http://tfl.nu/9a89
  Replies (5) Good night (5179) Bad night (836) Order T-Shirt
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.

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  (603): You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing. http://tfl.nu/vk7w
  Replies (6) Good night (4323) Bad night (764) Order T-Shirt
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'

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  (703): Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks' http://tfl.nu/njwf
  Replies (14) Good night (5063) Bad night (1164) Order T-Shirt
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  (315): View more from New York

  I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit

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  (315): I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit http://tfl.nu/ybzi
  Replies (7) Good night (3564) Bad night (1746) Order T-Shirt
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  (585): View more from New York

  The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.

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  (585): The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi. http://tfl.nu/64lh
  Replies (10) Good night (3811) Bad night (1120) Order T-Shirt
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.

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  (404): My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck. http://tfl.nu/0ivr
  Replies (11) Good night (4571) Bad night (1134) Order T-Shirt
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...

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  (250): He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock... http://tfl.nu/tura
  Replies (15) Good night (5519) Bad night (1227)
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  (718): View more from New York

  it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store

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  (718): it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store http://tfl.nu/b87c
  Replies (8) Good night (4541) Bad night (780) Order T-Shirt
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  Dude you has no fucking this poptart

  (719): View more from Colorado

  What?

  (843): View more from South Carolina

  I dont know to explain this.

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  (843): Dude you has no fucking this poptart (719): What? (843): I dont know to explain this. http://tfl.nu/kk1s
  Replies (35) Good night (6523) Bad night (1261)
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.

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  (616): Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this. http://tfl.nu/uew9
  Replies (12) Good night (3749) Bad night (1223) Order T-Shirt
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  (407): View more from Florida

  I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city

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  (407): I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city http://tfl.nu/5mtu
  Replies (32) Good night (6005) Bad night (859) Order T-Shirt
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  (518): View more from New York

  he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."

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  (518): he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials." http://tfl.nu/vm6j
  Replies (20) Good night (8713) Bad night (1442) Order T-Shirt
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted

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  (610): Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted http://tfl.nu/q55a
  Replies (11) Good night (5409) Bad night (2092) Order T-Shirt
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  (305): View more from Florida

  MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.

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  (305): MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like. http://tfl.nu/d99s
  Replies (17) Good night (1271) Bad night (5426) Order T-Shirt
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.

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  (702): I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault. http://tfl.nu/1m55
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  (631): View more from New York

  He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.

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  (631): He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved. http://tfl.nu/jbvc
  Replies (30) Good night (11960) Bad night (1362)
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"

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  (443): her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does" http://tfl.nu/16y8
  Replies (16) Good night (1733) Bad night (6510) Order T-Shirt
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  (510): View more from California

  I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

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  (510): I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders. http://tfl.nu/3tbi
  Replies (73) Good night (6009) Bad night (2782) Order T-Shirt
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.

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  (403): Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it. http://tfl.nu/6k4w
  Replies (18) Good night (4854) Bad night (1189)
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.

  (540): View more from Virginia

  You guys make me sad

  (703): View more from Virginia

  You misspelled jealous there

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  (703): We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone. (540): You guys make me sad (703): You misspelled jealous there http://tfl.nu/wtst
  Replies (23) Good night (11523) Bad night (1216)
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.

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  (443): she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs. http://tfl.nu/nz73
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"

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  (757): You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis" http://tfl.nu/xzec
  Replies (27) Good night (8235) Bad night (1523) Order T-Shirt
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  (310): View more from California

  I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too

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  (310): I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too http://tfl.nu/t8cv
  Replies (17) Good night (4727) Bad night (1398) Order T-Shirt
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.

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  (919): sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer. http://tfl.nu/u6do
  Replies (13) Good night (5958) Bad night (1147) Order T-Shirt
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  (914): View more from New York

  i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school

  (1-914): View more from New York

  oh right the one that ends on your bed

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  (914): i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school (1-914): oh right the one that ends on your bed http://tfl.nu/wrnw
  Replies (8) Good night (6117) Bad night (769) Order T-Shirt
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.

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  (630): I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit. http://tfl.nu/afy7
  Replies (14) Good night (6868) Bad night (1142) Order T-Shirt
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  (925): View more from California

  Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.

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  (925): Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you. http://tfl.nu/15wm
  Replies (19) Good night (6267) Bad night (917)
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year

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  (732): I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year http://tfl.nu/jq5i
  Replies (23) Good night (5809) Bad night (1000) Order T-Shirt
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  (318): View more from Louisiana

  my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.

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  (318): my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes. http://tfl.nu/jzo6
  Replies (6) Good night (4328) Bad night (964)
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.

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  (724): i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook. http://tfl.nu/t8ot
  Replies (11) Good night (4306) Bad night (863) Order T-Shirt
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.

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  (570): In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that. http://tfl.nu/ifkh
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  (561): View more from Florida

  Bad news is he broke up with me via text message

  (561): View more from Florida

  But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville

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  (561): Bad news is he broke up with me via text message (561): But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville http://tfl.nu/1qx8
  Replies (28) Good night (6880) Bad night (1236)
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  i dont know what to do

  (1-732): View more from New Jersey

  with your life?

  (732): View more from New Jersey

  no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3

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  (732): i dont know what to do (1-732): with your life? (732): no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3 http://tfl.nu/i8yp
  Replies (17) Good night (4922) Bad night (2100)
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  (631): View more from New York

  I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.

  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  I don't want you to recite the pledge!

  (631): View more from New York

  Pledge alligien to america to united states of america

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  (631): I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge. (401): I don't want you to recite the pledge! (631): Pledge alligien to america to united states of america http://tfl.nu/s7dx
  Replies (20) Good night (3446) Bad night (626)
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US

  (703): View more from Virginia

  It's the American dream

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  (202): On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US (703): It's the American dream http://tfl.nu/z0hb
  Replies (31) Good night (4102) Bad night (679)
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  capris are just wrong

  (703): View more from Virginia

  its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"

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  (703): capris are just wrong (703): its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!" http://tfl.nu/xkxd
  Replies (55) Good night (852) Bad night (2455)
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  (+44): View more from England

  mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.

  (+44): View more from England

  "and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"

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  (+44): mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes. (+44): "and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'" http://tfl.nu/aeg7
  Replies (32) Good night (4306) Bad night (1300)
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?

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  (901): Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out? http://tfl.nu/cfeo
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter

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  (508): I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter http://tfl.nu/gfmg
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  (518): View more from New York

  its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.

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  (518): its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant. http://tfl.nu/kaeb
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  (845): View more from New York

  i can't find my house

  (1-845): View more from New York

  we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.

  (845): View more from New York

  i'm pretty sure my house moved.

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  (845): i can't find my house (1-845): we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago. (845): i'm pretty sure my house moved. http://tfl.nu/nzng
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  (212): View more from New York

  I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.

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  (212): I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth. http://tfl.nu/x3q1
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.

  (376): View more from

  you are insane

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  (901): Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere. (376): you are insane http://tfl.nu/nfoh
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?

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  (603): Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background? http://tfl.nu/ypnh
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.

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  (613): Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors. http://tfl.nu/tkq1
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.

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  (678): I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head. http://tfl.nu/4u7e
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.

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  (540): Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex. http://tfl.nu/iyvz
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.

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  (978): my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck. http://tfl.nu/9a64
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  (925): View more from California

  Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends

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  (925): Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends http://tfl.nu/x0vc
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.

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  (973): we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical. http://tfl.nu/h352
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?

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  (610): who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch? http://tfl.nu/432a
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking

  (1-503): View more from Oregon

  I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning

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  (503): i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking (1-503): I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning http://tfl.nu/mjdo
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  (352): View more from Florida

  i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

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  (352): i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE http://tfl.nu/5phb
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  (509): View more from Washington

  Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?

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  (509): Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"? http://tfl.nu/n4zp
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.

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  (832): The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left. http://tfl.nu/7tek
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.

  (1-513): View more from Ohio

  Not having phil's child is good enough.

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  (513): Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize. (1-513): Not having phil's child is good enough. http://tfl.nu/zrt3
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.

  (1-312): View more from Illinois

  None of that is ok.

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  (312): Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there. (1-312): None of that is ok. http://tfl.nu/fi6r
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.

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  (502): She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor. http://tfl.nu/3ap9
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  (818): View more from California

  Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.

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  (818): Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you. http://tfl.nu/btkl
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  (407): View more from Florida

  We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."

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  (407): We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression." http://tfl.nu/hom0
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  (718): View more from New York

  bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch

  (917): View more from New York City

  I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation

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  (718): bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch (917): I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation http://tfl.nu/gosl
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  (856): View more from New Jersey

  so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.

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  (856): so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug. http://tfl.nu/yra7
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  (772): View more from Florida

  remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.

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  (772): remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night. http://tfl.nu/s4kw
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  (309): View more from Illinois

  i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.

  (309): View more from Illinois

  so finals studying is going well?

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  (309): i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons. (309): so finals studying is going well? http://tfl.nu/jt5e
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?

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  (519): i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends? http://tfl.nu/08w4
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful

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  (816): Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful http://tfl.nu/oafq
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  (325): View more from Texas

  wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"

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  (325): wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah" http://tfl.nu/d8s5
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies

  (703): View more from Virginia

  and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"

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  (703): he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies (703): and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half" http://tfl.nu/kpxj
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat

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  (615): i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat http://tfl.nu/x2jk
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy

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  (602): I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy http://tfl.nu/rk38
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something

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  (708): its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something http://tfl.nu/mg8h
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.

  (1-919): View more from North Carolina

  hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.

  (919): View more from North Carolina

  my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.

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  (919): um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign. (1-919): hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred. (919): my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted. http://tfl.nu/05eg
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  (407): View more from Florida

  my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much

  (1-407): View more from Florida

  It'll hurt less than being alone

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  (407): my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much (1-407): It'll hurt less than being alone http://tfl.nu/6ydx
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo

  (810): View more from Michigan

  With himself

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  (810): I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo (810): With himself http://tfl.nu/5c4h
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year

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  (517): this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year http://tfl.nu/tikr
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint

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  (201): The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint http://tfl.nu/xmhe
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.

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  (208): why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never. http://tfl.nu/g58g
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans

  (1-610): View more from Pennsylvania

  who is canola oil?

  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  you're an idiot.

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  (610): can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans (1-610): who is canola oil? (610): you're an idiot. http://tfl.nu/vy3c
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  and the officer said have you been drinking

  (864): View more from South Carolina

  and i said NOO SIR.

  (864): View more from South Carolina

  and he said, I am a woman.

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  (864): and the officer said have you been drinking (864): and i said NOO SIR. (864): and he said, I am a woman. http://tfl.nu/8g3i
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  (518): View more from New York

  I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide

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  (518): I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide http://tfl.nu/vkti
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.

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  (708): Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected. http://tfl.nu/ilck
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  (952): View more from Minnesota

  I told you not to have sex with her on my futon

  (612): View more from Minnesota

  I didnt dude, i swear!

  (952): View more from Minnesota

  either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon

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  (952): I told you not to have sex with her on my futon (612): I didnt dude, i swear! (952): either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon http://tfl.nu/i90q
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.

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  (303): If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns. http://tfl.nu/xebd
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  (914): View more from New York

  I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me

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  (914): I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me http://tfl.nu/jvjy
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  (662): View more from Mississippi

  Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.

  (1-662): View more from Mississippi

  I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.

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  (662): Stop introducing me to people as your little sister. (1-662): I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother. http://tfl.nu/5xkr
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  (518): View more from New York

  Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.

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  (518): Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf. http://tfl.nu/6o5h
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  (870): View more from Arkansas

  This bar receipt from last night makes no sense

  (573): View more from Missouri

  You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total

  (870): View more from Arkansas

  I wish that would've worked

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  (870): This bar receipt from last night makes no sense (573): You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total (870): I wish that would've worked http://tfl.nu/u8a6
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  (207): View more from Maine

  hows the new call of duty?

  (1-207): View more from Maine

  I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.

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  (207): hows the new call of duty? (1-207): I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome. http://tfl.nu/zewm
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  (269): View more from Michigan

  dude she's married.

  (1-269): View more from Michigan

  so? a ring don't cover no holes.

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  (269): dude she's married. (1-269): so? a ring don't cover no holes. http://tfl.nu/8xdg
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.

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  (704): I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead. http://tfl.nu/olst
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  (479): View more from Arkansas

  okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters

  (501): View more from Arkansas

  ok you need to stop NOW

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  (479): okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters (501): ok you need to stop NOW http://tfl.nu/gm1r
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?

  (1-216): View more from Ohio

  Lol no its called college

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  (216): Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER? (1-216): Lol no its called college http://tfl.nu/1cpq
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  (518): View more from New York

  I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.

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  (518): I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese. http://tfl.nu/65in
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent

  (860): View more from Connecticut

  fuckk wrong person

  (1-860): View more from Connecticut

  .. who was that for? a girlscout?

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  (860): I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent (860): fuckk wrong person (1-860):.. who was that for? a girlscout? http://tfl.nu/6peq
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.

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  (403): Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing. http://tfl.nu/jg9n
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Barney's a jerk

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  (781): I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments. (617): Barney's a jerk http://tfl.nu/dlz7
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  (830): View more from Texas

  If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice

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  (830): If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice http://tfl.nu/5b32
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.

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  (812): If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message. http://tfl.nu/nzcw
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.

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  (913): I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago. http://tfl.nu/uh8m
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  (917): View more from New York City

  I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.

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  (917): I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant. http://tfl.nu/wa98
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  She acts like you when your on meds

  (510): View more from California

  She acts like batman?

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  (616): She acts like you when your on meds (510): She acts like batman? http://tfl.nu/zvs9
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  (469): View more from Texas

  She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke

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  (469): She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke http://tfl.nu/g6cx
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"

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  (757): I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!" http://tfl.nu/94sw
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  (260): View more from Indiana

  So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes

  (1-260): View more from Indiana

  Are your eyes okay

  (260): View more from Indiana

  I mean if I was Asian they would be

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  (260): So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes (1-260): Are your eyes okay (260): I mean if I was Asian they would be http://tfl.nu/l3r4
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow

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  (773): I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow http://tfl.nu/1xbr
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.

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  (814): All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles. http://tfl.nu/duc8
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