I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
It's official drugs can't kill me
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?