On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
I met the friendliest cop last night
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...