There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
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who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
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I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I queefed so loud it echoed.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.