An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Someone came in the potted fern
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I have poison ivy on my dick
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
i've created a new STD.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me