Texts From Last Night

cwelkman's Favorites Texts:

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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.

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  (405): I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me. http://tfl.nu/unn4
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.

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  (901): I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy. http://tfl.nu/38oe
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.

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  (651): We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it. http://tfl.nu/ubme
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  i've created a new STD.

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  (330): i've created a new STD. http://tfl.nu/t8hp
  Replies (8) Good night (220) Bad night (1109) Order T-Shirt
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  (713): View more from Texas

  No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"

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  (713): No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY" http://tfl.nu/to54
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career

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  (443): Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career http://tfl.nu/vwhr
  Replies (8) Good night (193) Bad night (639) Order T-Shirt
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  (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.

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  (306): Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face. http://tfl.nu/y8xh
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  (912): View more from Georgia

  He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.

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  (912): He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it. http://tfl.nu/1cfw
  Replies (3) Good night (772) Bad night (185) Order T-Shirt
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  (917): View more from New York City

  Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.

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  (917): Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life. http://tfl.nu/kv1x
  Replies (11) Good night (521) Bad night (691) Order T-Shirt
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  (865): View more from Tennessee

  My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.

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  (865): My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy. http://tfl.nu/ige6
  Replies (4) Good night (1382) Bad night (238)
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  "The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"

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  (480): "The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!" http://tfl.nu/bdi6
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  (914): View more from New York

  He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.

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  (914): He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now. http://tfl.nu/ph35
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  (949): View more from California

  We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.

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  (949): We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom. http://tfl.nu/b4pt
  Replies (24) Good night (6469) Bad night (1872) Order T-Shirt
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  (+31): View more from The Netherlands

  bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.

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  (+31): bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left. http://tfl.nu/sy8j
  Replies (18) Good night (1319) Bad night (6284) Order T-Shirt
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events

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  (586): I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events http://tfl.nu/1mgv
  Replies (7) Good night (750) Bad night (1177) Order T-Shirt
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.

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  (503): Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook. http://tfl.nu/p6bz
  Replies (15) Good night (7979) Bad night (1068) Order T-Shirt
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  (778): View more from British Columbia

  He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?

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  (778): He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I? http://tfl.nu/r6dy
  Replies (19) Good night (1871) Bad night (3482) Order T-Shirt
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you

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  (586): plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you http://tfl.nu/ddyv
  Replies (13) Good night (2644) Bad night (1054) Order T-Shirt
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!

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  (740): Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE! http://tfl.nu/i7pp
  Replies (14) Good night (4404) Bad night (819) Order T-Shirt
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  (506): View more from New Brunswick

  Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess

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  (506): Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess http://tfl.nu/9ahd
  Replies (29) Good night (3159) Bad night (883) Order T-Shirt
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  (407): View more from Florida

  I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.

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  (407): I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex. http://tfl.nu/84ml
  Replies (34) Good night (5195) Bad night (901) Order T-Shirt
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  (423): View more from Tennessee

  I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.

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  (423): I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger. http://tfl.nu/nz2t
  Replies (10) Good night (2875) Bad night (928) Order T-Shirt
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  (562): View more from California

  bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.

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  (562): bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea. http://tfl.nu/kow3
  Replies (10) Good night (2526) Bad night (953) Order T-Shirt
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".

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  (208): She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs". http://tfl.nu/ppqp
  Replies (23) Good night (8707) Bad night (753) Order T-Shirt
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad

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  (403): well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad http://tfl.nu/t0b7
  Replies (14) Good night (1023) Bad night (2452) Order T-Shirt
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  (971): View more from Oregon

  Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.

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  (971): Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin. http://tfl.nu/6hx6
  Replies (6) Good night (2116) Bad night (1551) Order T-Shirt
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR

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  (918): Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR http://tfl.nu/fkjm
  Replies (22) Good night (4320) Bad night (1111) Order T-Shirt
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  (979): View more from Texas

  She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.

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  (979): She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today. http://tfl.nu/i2c6
  Replies (8) Good night (736) Bad night (5134) Order T-Shirt
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  (631): View more from New York

  I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed

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  (631): I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed http://tfl.nu/2zh5
  Replies (9) Good night (2568) Bad night (760) Order T-Shirt
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  (415): View more from California

  Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.

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  (415): Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt. http://tfl.nu/r5l2
  Replies (10) Good night (2326) Bad night (1040) Order T-Shirt
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.

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  (203): My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression. http://tfl.nu/go1x
  Replies (52) Good night (1066) Bad night (5015) Order T-Shirt
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  (204): View more from Manitoba

  You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.

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  (204): You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head. http://tfl.nu/a92s
  Replies (25) Good night (4543) Bad night (931) Order T-Shirt
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  (516): View more from New York

  my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now

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  (516): my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now http://tfl.nu/4n6q
  Replies (13) Good night (1274) Bad night (1968) Order T-Shirt
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  (415): View more from California

  Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?

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  (415): Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it? http://tfl.nu/bvee
  Replies (26) Good night (5726) Bad night (856) Order T-Shirt
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.

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  (203): Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room. http://tfl.nu/4omc
  Replies (10) Good night (2744) Bad night (1055) Order T-Shirt
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  (949): View more from California

  The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.

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  (949): The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses. http://tfl.nu/cf7g
  Replies (25) Good night (3462) Bad night (2010)
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.

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  (215): he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon. http://tfl.nu/6d9i
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything

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  (715): She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything http://tfl.nu/4a6c
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  (501): View more from Arkansas

  SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.

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  (501): SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD. http://tfl.nu/21ls
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self

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  (609): She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self http://tfl.nu/w7zw
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico

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  (313): hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico http://tfl.nu/p58l
  Replies (28) Good night (3419) Bad night (886) Order T-Shirt
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me

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  (703): yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me http://tfl.nu/feez
  Replies (14) Good night (881) Bad night (2024) Order T-Shirt
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.

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  (480): From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him. http://tfl.nu/9mdh
  Replies (23) Good night (5858) Bad night (1122) Order T-Shirt
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.

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  (403): Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl. http://tfl.nu/u7lt
  Replies (22) Good night (4286) Bad night (1336) Order T-Shirt
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass

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  (609): Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass http://tfl.nu/qqts
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five

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  (240): just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five http://tfl.nu/swbm
  Replies (9) Good night (5061) Bad night (686) Order T-Shirt
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.

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  (617): mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore. http://tfl.nu/p0bd
  Replies (32) Good night (1877) Bad night (6330) Order T-Shirt
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  (316): View more from Kansas

  I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.

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  (316): I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back. http://tfl.nu/cqa8
  Replies (42) Good night (5020) Bad night (1519) Order T-Shirt
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  (479): View more from Arkansas

  I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes

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  (479): I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes http://tfl.nu/u839
  Replies (25) Good night (4033) Bad night (1123) Order T-Shirt
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  (479): View more from Arkansas

  They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.

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  (479): They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless. http://tfl.nu/hmfp
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  this is a time for prayers...seriously

  (1-973): View more from New Jersey

  let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.

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  (973): this is a time for prayers...seriously (1-973): let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen. http://tfl.nu/ovsa
  Replies (22) Good night (4867) Bad night (1223)
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  (925): View more from California

  I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't

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  (925): I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't http://tfl.nu/i8hu
  Replies (29) Good night (5914) Bad night (1092) Order T-Shirt
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  (319): View more from Iowa

  just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...

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  (319): just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa... http://tfl.nu/k3oe
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  (856): View more from New Jersey

  there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.

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  (856): there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread. http://tfl.nu/6f5w
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  (561): View more from Florida

  Bad news is he broke up with me via text message

  (561): View more from Florida

  But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville

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  (561): Bad news is he broke up with me via text message (561): But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville http://tfl.nu/1qx8
  Replies (28) Good night (6864) Bad night (1227)
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.

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  (403): Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it. http://tfl.nu/0g8l
  Replies (45) Good night (874) Bad night (9496) Order T-Shirt
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.

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  (913): I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick. http://tfl.nu/xsrx
  Replies (21) Good night (1728) Bad night (4774) Order T-Shirt
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  (905): View more from Ontario

  The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.

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  (905): The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty. http://tfl.nu/9wi8
  Replies (100) Good night (12153) Bad night (1767) Order T-Shirt
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.

  (416): View more from Toronto

  Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!

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  (519): Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit. (416): Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?! http://tfl.nu/iavy
  Replies (39) Good night (10184) Bad night (1056)
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  (623): View more from Arizona

  His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?

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  (623): His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me? http://tfl.nu/w4b8
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  (561): View more from Florida

  I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.

  (561): View more from Florida

  He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.

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  (561): I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class. (561): He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it. http://tfl.nu/mjkl
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.

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  (614): True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit. http://tfl.nu/ajyk
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  (231): View more from Michigan

  my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring

  (989): View more from Michigan

  i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me

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  (231): my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring (989): i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me http://tfl.nu/18pl
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