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I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
i've created a new STD.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
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