the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I haven't been this sober since birth.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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