You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
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Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
he fucked my hip out of place.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
he puts the penis in happiness.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him