Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
