happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Randomize
