I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
