It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Dating After Heartbreak
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
I'm going to Hell for sure
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
if you force a hooker to have sex with you and dont pay her would it be rape or theft? something to ponder
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.