does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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